


The Talk

by ShortInsomniac98



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexual Crowley (Good Omens), Comedy, Crowley doesn't know where babies come from, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Realization, Sex Education, Sex Talk, The Talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 09:01:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19248013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShortInsomniac98/pseuds/ShortInsomniac98
Summary: The night of the baby swap, whilst Crowley and Aziraphale are drinking, Aziraphale realizes Crowley doesn't actually know where babies come from and tries to explain it to him. Crowley then worries he might have accidentally fathered a child at some point.





	The Talk

**Author's Note:**

> This started as comedy and ended up actually being a bit worrisome for our not-so-bright demon man.

After sobering up, Crowley and Aziraphale continued to drink, having got all the serious business out of the way.  Several hours later, surrounded by empty bottles, Crowley stood a bit uneasily and trudged over to a shelf across the room to retrieve yet another bottle.

“What I wanna know,” Crowley said, making his way back over to the sofa, “is how it happened.”

Aziraphale watched as he crossed the room, his brow furrowed and eyes narrowed.  “Whaddaya mean?” he asked.

“I mean, _how it happened_ ,” Crowley said.  He cleared his throat.  “He’s not got a…a wife.”

“A girlfriend maybe?” said Aziraphale.  “Or a mistress?”

“What?”

“A special lady friend of any kind?” Aziraphale suggested.

“What’s this got to do with anything?”

“Has he been, _you know_ …” Aziraphale said, a bit uncomfortable.

Crowley sat forward, his elbows on his knees.  “I don’t think I do.”

“Oh, my,” Aziraphale whispered, a look of sudden realization passing over his face.

“What?” Crowley said with a slight scowl.

Aziraphale set his glass on the table beside him.  “My dear, where do you think babies come from?” he said, not soberly, but a bit more seriously.

“They’re, you know,” Crowley hesitated, “a blessing or something, right?  God decides who gets to have a baby, gives ‘em to married people and suchlike.”

Aziraphale’s eyes widened.  “In…in many cases, yes.  Well.  _Some_ cases.  Erm, have you not heard of… _the birds and the bees_?”

“What have they got to do with any of this?” asked Crowley.

“The Talk, Crowley!” Aziraphale continued, seemingly more concerned now.

“Which one?” Crowley cried in a similar tone.  “Really, angel, you aren’t making any sense.  You’re just saying words at this point.  Can’t hold your alcohol?” he teased.

“Crowley, I’m trying very hard to be su… _subtle_.  You’re just being unreasonably thick for someone your age,” he shot back.

Crowley set his bottle down and crossed his arms.  “Care to explain yourself then?  Hm?”

“Okay,” Aziraphale said, letting out a big breath.  “When a man and a woman love each other—”

“Why a man and a woman?  Why not a man and a man or-or a woman and a woman?  Or two men and a woman or—”

“Crowley!” Aziraphale said, cutting him off.

“What?  I just mean, you of all people, I wouldn’t have thought—”

“Crowley, focus.  This is important.  A man and a woman,” said Aziraphale.  “Now, where was I?”

“Something about love,” said Crowley.

“Right,” Azirpahale nodded.  “Now that I think of it, love isn’t exactly a requirement.  That’s just how parents usually explain it.  Anyway, sometimes, a man and a woman might start to kiss each other and touch each other and they’ll take their clothes off and—”

“Oh, angel, you’re making me feel all warm and tingly,” Crowley giggled.

Aziraphale’s face reddened.  “Can you please try to focus?”

“Fine, fine.  I’ll stop,” said Crowley, stifling a laugh.

“Sometimes if two people, a man and a woman, might find themselves…in varying states of undress…in each other’s arms, usually in a bed, and…”  He cleared his throat.  “Crowley, you do know what sex is, right?”

“Oh, do I,” he said with a smirk.

“Right,” said Aziraphale.  “If a man and a woman have sex, it’s possible that she might become pregnant.  A baby will start to grow inside her, and in a little less than a year, she’ll give birth.”

Crowley stared off into space, eyes wide in horror.  He reached for his bottle and drained it.

“Are you seriously telling me you had no notion of this?” asked Aziraphale.

“No, I…” Crowley said slowly.  “I wasn’t aware that… _oh, God_.”

He looked positively ill.  Aziraphale was concerned; he didn’t know such a thing was possible.

“Are you alright?”

“ _Oh, fucking hell_ ,” Crowley muttered, burying his face in his hands.

“What is the matter, dear boy?  You’re really worrying me right now,” Aziraphale said, preparing to expel the alcohol from his system for the second time that night.

“Angel, I’ve slept with a few women over the last few millennia,” Crowley said.  He rubbed his eyes hard.  “ _Oh, God_.”

“How many is… _a few_?” asked Aziraphale.

“Oh, you think I’m one to keep count?” said Crowley as he looked up.  “Shall I write names in my diary at night?  Keep notches on my bedpost?”

“I only meant—”

“No, I don’t know,” said Crowley.  “It’s been more men than women, but still…that doesn’t cancel anything out if…”

“If anything had happened, I’m sure we’d know,” said Aziraphale in a way he hoped would come off as reassuring.  “Hell would certainly have mentioned it, and if not them, Heaven would have put a stop to it, I’m sure.”

“Yeah, but what if they didn’t?  They can’t know everything that happens down here.”

“Certainly, a human wouldn’t survive such an ordeal.  Carrying and giving birth to the child, I mean.  And who’s to say we’re even biologically capable?”

“ _We_?”

“Well, angels and demons.  Not me necessarily.  You know _I_ don’t partake in such activities,” Aziraphale said, shaking his head frantically.

Crowley rolled his eyes.

“We must be,” he said.  “If Satan’s fathered a child.”

“We don’t even know how he did it.  If it was conceived naturally or if it was created from raw firmament.”

“Oh, it smelled like a natural newborn baby,” said Crowley.

“You’re just saying that now because you’re scared.  How can you know what a newborn child smells like?”

“I’m more than six thousand years old.  Are you telling me you don’t?”

“No, I don’t,” said Aziraphale.

“Heaven, miracle of life and all that, and you’ve never held a newborn baby,” Crowley said, laughing to himself, his hands shaking as he raised the bottle in his hands to his lips, only to find he’d already emptied it.

“Certainly, dear, if such a thing has ever happened, it can’t be too bad,” said Aziraphale.  “Maybe because your body is human, if you fathered a child, it was all human, no demon?”

“God, I hope so,” he mumbled, miracling the bottle full again and taking a long sip.

“What are you going to do?”

“Well, I can’t exactly ask around.  And even if I did or do have children running about, it’s a little late now.  The last time I slept with a woman was…” he paused, in thought, “oh, probably 1965.  No sense in showing up almost fifty years late trying to be a dad.”  He raised his bottle.  “No, what I’m going to do is drink and, with any luck, let it escape my mind.  We’ve got bigger fish coming.”

“I’m not exactly sure that’s the expression,” Aziraphale said slowly.

Crowley laughed, and took another drink.


End file.
